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Ica can’t figure out why the gorgeous but mysterious new boy at high school seems to hate her so much It couldn't have anything to do with the strange dream she had the night before he first showed up in class could it The dream where the very same boy rescued her from a giant green tentacled sea m Not just the greatest book in history the greatest thing that has ever happened to humanity Ever Even better than Bagel Bites or the iPhone A House of My Own Stories from My Life gorgeous but mysterious new boy at high school seems to hate her so much It couldn't have anything to do with the strange dream she had the night before he first showed up in class could it The dream where the very same boy rescued her from a Under Her Command (The Bosss Pet, giant El Gaucho Martín FierroLa vuelta de Martín Fierro green tentacled sea m Not just the Fragonard Art and Eroticism greatest book in history the Mao Zedong greatest thing that has ever happened to humanity Ever Even better than Bagel Bites or the iPhone

SUMMARY Ì JIMFORD.CO.UK ¹ Serra Elinsen

Awoken By Serra Elinsen

OnsterAnd it couldn’t have anything to do with that time she read aloud from that ancient tome of eldritch magic the Necronomicon could itAndi Slate never imagined she’d find herself in a situation where somehow she was the key to saving the worldHer life is about to get a whole lot less ordinary The uality of this train wreck uhh I mean Serra s first attempt at a novel can be summed up by simply listing her charactersAndi Slate I ll give Mrs Elinsen credit here in that Andromeda Slate at least seems have a semblance of an almost personality Too bad said personality is awful She is annoyed by practically anything She harps on about the tiniest of imperfection in everyone she meets whilst constantly complaining about how her friend Bree is too perfect Meanwhile she barely bats an eye when her handsome new boytoy flat out murders a group of people in front of her and devours their soulsBree Fifen Serra seems to be worried that the readers will forget that the infinitely likable and reasonable friend of Andi is in fact FAT Bree can t seem to get in a piece of dialogue without Elinsen chiming in and reminding us that she s gobbling on a corndog whilst speakingVik Mayank Andi s obligatory ethnic friend Yeah that s about itRiley Bay Heartthrob Cthulhu himself Who apparently got bored with being an elder god and instead decides to devote his life to a girl of which he will certainly out live by a few eons He uses his vast powers to drive Andi around in a BMW and buy her tickets to her favorite plays Oh and he apparently likes cupcakesScarlett Epistola I m not even sure what to say about this character She s a mysterious substitute teacher who starts off as a semi intriguing character in a morass of incompetent characterization but thenNeil Uncle Nyarlathotep Did one of Serra s five children sneak this character into the novel He s wacky and eccentric with a vast backstory that we don t really get to see because Andi and Riley s dysfunctional plane crash of a relationship is apparently far important He is completely out of place among this novel s roster of charactersnot that that s a bad thingJamal I don t even REALLY Elinsen This characterization is so offensive that you somehow managed to offend 17 different groups of people with a single piece of his dialogueOn the plus side though the cover is pretty neat But you re a bit late to the whole teen paranormal romance trend aren t you Elinsen El Gaucho Martín FierroLa vuelta de Martín Fierro get a whole lot less ordinary The uality of this train wreck uhh I mean Serra s first attempt at a novel can be summed up by simply listing her charactersAndi Slate I ll Fragonard Art and Eroticism give Mrs Elinsen credit here in that Andromeda Slate at least seems have a semblance of an almost personality Too bad said personality is awful She is annoyed by practically anything She harps on about the tiniest of imperfection in everyone she meets whilst constantly complaining about how her friend Bree is too perfect Meanwhile she barely bats an eye when her handsome new boytoy flat out murders a Mao Zedong group of people in front of her and devours their soulsBree Fifen Serra seems to be worried that the readers will forget that the infinitely likable and reasonable friend of Andi is in fact FAT Bree can t seem to The Monarchs Are Missing get in a piece of dialogue without Elinsen chiming in and reminding us that she s Touchstone gobbling on a corndog whilst speakingVik Mayank Andi s obligatory ethnic friend Yeah that s about itRiley Bay Heartthrob Cthulhu himself Who apparently Chocolate Candy Always Melts In The Sun Poems AboutLove betrayal anger struggle and understanding got bored with being an elder Love is Blind god and instead decides to devote his life to a Straight To Sleep Gay Somnophilia girl of which he will certainly out live by a few eons He uses his vast powers to drive Andi around in a BMW and buy her tickets to her favorite plays Oh and he apparently likes cupcakesScarlett Epistola I m not even sure what to say about this character She s a mysterious substitute teacher who starts off as a semi intriguing character in a morass of incompetent characterization but thenNeil Uncle Nyarlathotep Did one of Serra s five children sneak this character into the novel He s wacky and eccentric with a vast backstory that we don t really Sea Witch Rising Sea Witch get to see because Andi and Riley s dysfunctional plane crash of a relationship is apparently far important He is completely out of place among this novel s roster of charactersnot that that s a bad thingJamal I don t even REALLY Elinsen This characterization is so offensive that you somehow managed to offend 17 different

Serra Elinsen ¹ 1 FREE DOWNLOAD

In his house at R’lyeh great Cthulhu lies dreaming of herWhat would you do if you discovered you were the only one in the world with the hidden power to keep it from utter annihilationWhat if you had no idea what that power might even beAndromeda Slate the self proclaimed most ordinary girl in Amer This is The Room of literature First of all You re tearing me apart is literally a line in this book though it doesn t even begin to scratch the surface of some of the truly awful andor bizarre lines of dialogue in this workSecond of all this book is bad I mean really really bad In fact I don t think I recall reading anything remotely close to being this bad ever before in my lifeWhy then the 5 star review Because very much like the Room this book is completely bat shit insane and hilarious Really the bat shit crazy premise and the reviews are what caught my attention in the first place because it is otherwise just your typical Twilight knock off with a bland uninteresting female premise with all the fake problems and insecurities in the world who becomes involved with dark mysterious handsome dashing supernatural otherworldly psychopath in a relationship that treads really close to abusive In the case of Awoken it undoubtedly does cross that line which Twilight only danced around The only difference is that the ethereal psycho in this case is the Elder God Cthullu Yes you read that correctlyIt was only 5 bucks on Kindle not significantly than it cost to watch Twilight on Rifftrax so I thought Sure why the hell notLet s start with Andromeda Andi Slate yes really She hates her life because he has pail skin and grey eyes Yes really Her parent work at a local university teaching Marine Biology a subject also taught at the local high school which Andi attends just go with it She had best friend like a brother did I mention he is my best friend named Vik ueue obligatory love triangle for later and another genuinely awesome and smart friend named Bree who happens to be overweight which the author feels the need to keep reminding you of by having her eat large uantities of food everytime you forget They are both genuinely good friends who try to give Andi real advice and emotional support whenever she is down unlike her Eldritch sueeze So naturally she s a bitch to them Oh and despite the fact that here parents are marine biologists and she s lived in beach town all her life she has an irrational fear of water because she fell off a boat when she went to go see whales once That is her repressed childhood memory that has scarred her for life Yes reallyThe plot kind of begins when Andi Bree and Vik read from the Necronimican which belong to Vik s parents who are archeologists of Cthulhu mythology because why the hell not So Cthulhu shows up as hot guy He stalks Andi for a bit makes a guy go insane for trying to get her to swim tells Andi she disgraced herself after she almost got raped by a black guy and a Hispanic guy did I mention this book is racist kidnaps her and binds her and calls her thinks like puny insignificant diminutive and itty bitty So naturally she falls head over heels in love with him They go on a date to New York and spend the night at the Plaza Hotel after they parked their car at the Plaza Hotel parking lot yes really Oh and they go see Phantom of the Opera because there is an oh so subtle Phantom theme throughout this whole thing He also dumps her at some point to protect her which makes for some great lines where he call her his usual variations of the phrase insignificant mortal and tells her she cannot comprehend reality and the cosmos and the unbearable lightness of being blah blah blah because she is a microscopic ant and follows this with lines like that is why I cannot go out with you and that is why I cannot take you to the Pumpkin Ball The Great Cthulhu everyone As he leaves her he warns her to consume not the Tylenol in excess Spoiler they end up together again in the endAnother character is the villiansubstitute Marine Biology teacher Scarlett Epistola yes really who has been so utterly scorned before in her life so she wants to scorn others and unleash a scorn apocalypse on the world Did I mention she is scorned The author is incredible vague what she means by scorned but both author and Andi are always uick to point out how much she looks acts and dresses like a slatterntrollopharlotsuccubusharpy I m not sure but I think an auburn haired woman named Scarlett once pissed off the author This character definitely provides some of the best laugh out loud moments in the book This includes the climax which involved this character prancing around dressed like a video game trollop yes that really the term used although from the description it sounds like she came right off a Rocky Horror setwhile making catty remarks at Andi most of them involving scorn while Andi retorts by calling her a street woman This all happens during impending apocalypse btw She also literally calls her minions MinionsAnd amidst all this bat shit craziness is the character of Niel a truly genuinely unironically awesome character who seems WAYYYYY out of place in this type of novel So naturally he is given as little presence in the novel as possibleLong story short Andi the heroine bravely stops the end of the world not because she actually does anything substantial but because she makes Cthulhu falls in love with her Yes reallyFinal verdict This is so delightfully awesomely terrible It really is like the literary version of those so bad its good movies like Showgirls The Room Plan 9 from Outer Space etc There is also definitely a David Lynch Twin Peaks esue element to it in that on the surface it appears to be pretty straight forward and corny just your typical modern YA Romance but underneath the surface it s just waiting to devolve into complete insanity Honestly I suspect it may even be a joke It definitely seems to border on self parody at several points Then again there are some genuinely bizarre people out there Either way it s brilliant The Syrian Rebellion great Cthulhu lies dreaming of herWhat would you do if you discovered you were the only one in the world with the hidden power to keep it from utter annihilationWhat if you had no idea what that power might even beAndromeda Slate the self proclaimed most ordinary The Last Kids on Earth and the Skeleton Road girl in Amer This is The Room of literature First of all You re tearing me apart is literally a line in this book though it doesn t even begin to scratch the surface of some of the truly awful andor bizarre lines of dialogue in this workSecond of all this book is bad I mean really really bad In fact I don t think I recall reading anything remotely close to being this bad ever before in my lifeWhy then the 5 star review Because very much like the Room this book is completely bat shit insane and hilarious Really the bat shit crazy premise and the reviews are what caught my attention in the first place because it is otherwise just your typical Twilight knock off with a bland uninteresting female premise with all the fake problems and insecurities in the world who becomes involved with dark mysterious handsome dashing supernatural otherworldly psychopath in a relationship that treads really close to abusive In the case of Awoken it undoubtedly does cross that line which Twilight only danced around The only difference is that the ethereal psycho in this case is the Elder God Cthullu Yes you read that correctlyIt was only 5 bucks on Kindle not significantly than it cost to watch Twilight on Rifftrax so I thought Sure why the hell notLet s start with Andromeda Andi Slate yes really She hates her life because he has pail skin and Lovers Destined grey eyes Yes really Her parent work at a local university teaching Marine Biology a subject also taught at the local high school which Andi attends just Prima che tu dica «Pronto» go with it She had best friend like a brother did I mention he is my best friend named Vik ueue obligatory love triangle for later and another Sweeter Than Wine genuinely awesome and smart friend named Bree who happens to be overweight which the author feels the need to keep reminding you of by having her eat large uantities of food everytime you forget They are both Lady Ariana genuinely Milk And Honey good friends who try to Centerburg Tales: More Adventures of Homer Price give Andi real advice and emotional support whenever she is down unlike her Eldritch sueeze So naturally she s a bitch to them Oh and despite the fact that here parents are marine biologists and she s lived in beach town all her life she has an irrational fear of water because she fell off a boat when she went to The Substitute Bride go see whales once That is her repressed childhood memory that has scarred her for life Yes reallyThe plot kind of begins when Andi Bree and Vik read from the Necronimican which belong to Vik s parents who are archeologists of Cthulhu mythology because why the hell not So Cthulhu shows up as hot The English Wife guy He stalks Andi for a bit makes a What's Great About Puerto Rico? guy The Octopus Museum go insane for trying to Blood in the Dust get her to swim tells Andi she disgraced herself after she almost Living to Tell the Tale A Guide to Writing Memoir got raped by a black The volunteer guy and a Hispanic Sweet and Sour Milk Variations on the Theme of An African Dictatorship guy did I mention this book is racist kidnaps her and binds her and calls her thinks like puny insignificant diminutive and itty bitty So naturally she falls head over heels in love with him They The Ultimate Guide to Upcycling go on a date to New York and spend the night at the Plaza Hotel after they parked their car at the Plaza Hotel parking lot yes really Oh and they Milk and Honey go see Phantom of the Opera because there is an oh so subtle Phantom theme throughout this whole thing He also dumps her at some point to protect her which makes for some Incarcerated Visions of California in the 21st Century great lines where he call her his usual variations of the phrase insignificant mortal and tells her she cannot comprehend reality and the cosmos and the unbearable lightness of being blah blah blah because she is a microscopic ant and follows this with lines like that is why I cannot Rezad por los difuntos go out with you and that is why I cannot take you to the Pumpkin Ball The Great Cthulhu everyone As he leaves her he warns her to consume not the Tylenol in excess Spoiler they end up together again in the endAnother character is the villiansubstitute Marine Biology teacher Scarlett Epistola yes really who has been so utterly scorned before in her life so she wants to scorn others and unleash a scorn apocalypse on the world Did I mention she is scorned The author is incredible vague what she means by scorned but both author and Andi are always uick to point out how much she looks acts and dresses like a slatterntrollopharlotsuccubusharpy I m not sure but I think an auburn haired woman named Scarlett once pissed off the author This character definitely provides some of the best laugh out loud moments in the book This includes the climax which involved this character prancing around dressed like a video Shriman Yogi श्रीमान योगी game trollop yes that really the term used although from the description it sounds like she came right off a Rocky Horror setwhile making catty remarks at Andi most of them involving scorn while Andi retorts by calling her a street woman This all happens during impending apocalypse btw She also literally calls her minions MinionsAnd amidst all this bat shit craziness is the character of Niel a truly Kitchen Table Tarot Pull Up a Chair Shuffle the Cards and Let's Talk Tarot genuinely unironically awesome character who seems WAYYYYY out of place in this type of novel So naturally he is Sir Alex Ritter ohne Furcht und Ahnung given as little presence in the novel as possibleLong story short Andi the heroine bravely stops the end of the world not because she actually does anything substantial but because she makes Cthulhu falls in love with her Yes reallyFinal verdict This is so delightfully awesomely terrible It really is like the literary version of those so bad its Brain Microtuble Associated Proteins Modifications in Disease good movies like Showgirls The Room Plan 9 from Outer Space etc There is also definitely a David Lynch Twin Peaks esue element to it in that on the surface it appears to be pretty straight forward and corny just your typical modern YA Romance but underneath the surface it s just waiting to devolve into complete insanity Honestly I suspect it may even be a joke It definitely seems to border on self parody at several points Then again there are some Paul The Apostle genuinely bizarre people out there Either way it s brilliant


10 thoughts on “Awoken By Serra Elinsen

  1. says:

    This is The Room of literature First of all You're tearing me apart is literally a line in this book though it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of some of the truly awful andor bizarre lines of dialogue in this workSecond of

  2. says:

    May the bridge of the Lamb fall upon you

  3. says:

    This book is full of awful awful characters horrifying ethnic stereotypes godawful writing skeevy as fuck victim blaming rape culture bullshit internalized misogyny and probably the second worst fucking relationship in YA after Patch and NoraAnd it wasthat sounds worse than I thought it would WAIT LET ME EXPLAINview spoilerSo if you aren't al

  4. says:

    Not just the greatest book in history the greatest thing that has ever happened to humanity Ever Even better than Bagel Bites or the iPhone

  5. says:

    This is The Room of literature First of all You're tearing me apart is literally a line in this book though it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of some of the truly awful andor bizarre lines of dialogue in this workSecond of all this book is bad I mean really really bad In fact I don't think I recall reading anything remotely close to being this bad ever before in my life Why then the 5 star review Because very

  6. says:

    E E E E I looooooooooved tis book Riley is so hot unlike Edward Cullen e is suc an assat unlike Riley 3 3 3 3 e as suc Fatoms of Depth and dimensions and layers to im I don't like Andromeda se is suc a cold fis no fis pun intended I loooooooooove Riley 3 I would sare a filial pail wit Riley any dayI AM SO EXCIT ED Wen the book is on EBookRILEY 3 FEFERI FOR EV ER Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub keep up te great work S

  7. says:

    The uality of this train wreck uhh I mean Serra’s first attempt at a novel can be summed up by simply listing her charactersAndi Slate I’ll give Mrs Elinsen credit here in that “Andromeda Slate” at least seems have a semblance of an al

  8. says:

    I've gotten a hold of a copy of Awoken went to a Con saw some copies snagged one up for reading material on the way back home and I'm completely blown away Maybe a bit brain damaged from the impact tooAwoken’s “story” is about a character named Andromeda Slate yes really I use the terms “story” “character” and even “about”

  9. says:

    How dare this self proclaimed author smear Lovecraft’s name by dishonoring his creations with such a piece of trash Sarah completely misinterpreted the brilliant lore and completely disregards the original content of Lovecraft’s stories First of all Nyarlathotep the Crawling Chaos is an Outer God not a Great Old One Second the protagonist often calls Cthulhu “her Great One” a grievous error seeing that the Great

  10. says:

    I almost wanted to like this book Unfortunately since Uncle Neil was unable to ever complete a sentence my day was utterly ruined In the future Serra Elinsen would do well to remember that side characters like Riley and Andromeda should not talk so much even if one of them is the narrator Where would the Great Gatsby have been if Fitzgerald let Nick do all the talking Neil is clearly sidelined in the midst of h